May 30

Written by:
5/30/2011 9:47 PM 

I am being led to be very, very raw here.  Laying my heart open like this…in such a “public” manner is completely and totally out of character for me.  I have spent years perfecting the art of keeping my personal feelings to myself. I am quite good at it.  Over the last year, however, God has encouraged me to let my feelings show.   (By encouraged, I pretty much mean “forced.”)  

So, today was Memorial Day.  Here is raw for you…holidays sort of suck for me right now.  Holidays are times that families generally get together and create memories.  They may celebrate with friends, share a beer, and kick back on the beach.  Or, they may celebrate the day with picnics and parades—all good stuff.  I was invited to some dear friends’ house.  We watched a parade.  We had a picnic.  I even shared a beer.  But, reality hit me sometime after lunch and no matter what I did, I couldn’t shake the melancholy.  I was becoming more and more sad, and less and less able to hide it.   

I had carpooled with friends so we returned to their house where my car was parked. By this time, nothing I could do would stop the tears.  My friend begged me to stay, but I refused.  I couldn’t stay.  I wanted to shut everyone out.  I was going back to my home to grab hold of the truth that there would be no one there to welcome me.  There would be no one there to share the evening with.  Everyone around me earlier in the day had family to be with.  I didn’t, and I felt like an emotional charity case.  The last thing I want is for anyone to feel sorry for me.  I hate that.

So I went home and spent 4 hours crying.  Yep…it was a marathon of tears that I will most likely pay for in the morning with swollen eyelids.  For the most part, I am ok with my life as it is, but when days like today come along and remind me that I’m not going to come home to anyone, I admit…it hurts.    

But here’s the deal.  As I said, I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me.  The evening wasn’t just a pity party.  It was a time of pouring my heart out to God.  Read the Psalms sometime.  David was a master at pouring his heart out in misery.  There is some form of therapy that comes out of times like this.  We carry stresses and burdens like our cell phones.  They become part of us.  We’re not sure how to act without them.  Tonight I allowed myself to purge the crap I’ve been carrying.  Not a pretty sight, but oh, so sweet is the relief that follows.   

And God spoke to me in my dark hours.  Really.  I know it’s hard to swallow that the God who created Heaven and Earth actually speaks to us, but He truly does.  He again, as He has so many times before, reminded me of how much He loves me. This time alone is so, so valuable.  I get to spend one on one time with my Father, and He loves me as no other ever could or ever will.  And, when the person God has intended for me finally comes around and figures out what a fantastic person I am (LOL), I can truthfully say it’s not due to a deficit in my own life, but it's a compliment to it.  When we come into relationships trying to fill some void inside of us, we set that relationship up for failure.  Only one relationship should overtake us…and that is the one with our Father. Any other relationship we add to our life (whether it be a friend or dating or marriage) should be in addition to our life…not to fill a need.   As for expectations in dating, I love how author Denise Hildreth-Jones put it.  She wrote, “There is only one place our expectation should be, from our Father.  Don’t ever put those on another person. They don’t deserve it. They deserve to enjoy you. Just like the Lord intended it to be.”   Beautiful. 

So, tonight, I will go to bed alone.  (Remember I said this would be raw?) I do not like going to bed alone.  And tomorrow I will get up and get ready to go to work by myself.  But I choose to see this as a priceless gift. These are the times that God HAS to be my everything.  Denise Hildreth-Jones said: “God has filled my life so sweetly that my husband gets the overflow of that instead of tugging or demanding of him to meet some unfulfilled need.”  I wish I could take credit for saying that one.  It’s exactly how I feel.