Sep 23

Written by:
9/23/2011 6:30 PM 

I have sat down to write a new blog probably 20 separate times now.  I find myself at a pathetic lack for words.  Everything I begin to write seems painfully inadequate in expressing the multitude of emotions and lessons that I have experienced throughout the month of September.  This, my 21^st attempt (or something like that) will most likely fall short of what I would like to say, but I’m compelled to continue to try.  Here it goes… 

I am slightly appalled at my lack of gratitude.  Perhaps there is a loophole that I can cling to by saying my sin may have been more in the lack of awareness than in actual gratitude, but either way, I have fallen short.  I had gotten into a habit of complaining about my job.  Today, as I have to somehow accept that I am still not able to return to work as I’d hoped, I long for the time when I can again sit at my desk and help someone as they try to find the numbers needed for that report that was due yesterday.  I am thankful for my job.  While I always enjoyed singing in church every Sunday, I forgot to get down on my knees and thank God and the people at NVM for allowing me the honor of stepping up on the stage every week.  These last few weeks that I’ve been unable to sing, have been heartbreaking to me. It was as if my hand had slipped from God’s.   I am thankful for every opportunity I have to sing.  I didn’t notice just how much my friends support me.  Oh, I leaned on them and counted on them…but when I became too sick to feed myself, and had to be fed jell-o and pudding by a friend, I can say that I have never before felt so loved.  When another friend allowed me to lay my head down in her lap while I cried…I have never felt more at peace and more secure.  When another friend shared with me his own pain and gave me the chance to give comfort…I have never felt more valued.  I am deeply and utterly thankful for my friends.  Know that I love you very, very much.  

I have learned a few things as well…such as humility.  One side effect of the brain trauma has been what I’ve referred to as “Swiss cheese brain.”  I have stumbled on remembering events, simple problem solving, and recalling words.  I admit, I’ve taken pride in my ability to keep things under control throughout my life.  I’ve never felt the need for a planner or a calendar.  (I’ve had them, but it never lasted long.  I was able to rely on my own memory for most things.) I’ve enjoyed writing poems, lyrics, blogs, and stories.  Words have deep meaning, and I love to play with fitting them together to paint stories and images for people to read.  One of the reasons why this particular blog has taken so long to write is because I would get frustrated when I couldn’t think of the right words to say or I would get distracted and my concentration would fly out the window.  What came naturally to me in the past was now something I had to truly work at.  It is humbling.    

There’s one last thing that I feel a deep need to share.  I don’t have the magic answers to this one.  Perhaps someday I will, but today I’m just sharing some thoughts in a blog.  An old friend passed away this week.  Bob was a man of the highest integrity and conviction of faith.  He was likeable, generous, talented, and beloved by many people.  He left a mark on this community that will remain for generations.  But, the question came to me…why Bob and not me?  Just a few short weeks ago, I was in critical care.  I could have been the one laid to rest today.  Why am I walking around today, and this man of integrity is not?  I’ve presented this question to several people.  The responses I’ve received are varied.  Two answers stuck out to me more than others.  One person said—“Because God still has work for you to do.”  Another person said, “Sometimes, things just don’t make sense.”  They are both right.  I don’t understand the “why’s” and there’s a good chance I never will…not until I can talk to Jesus face to face anyway.  But, I believe that if God didn’t take me home when I was in so much pain I thought my head was going to explode, then there is something I am still needed for. 

There are no guarantees about tomorrow.  We can live our lives forgetting to notice the small things and show our gratitude.  We can see ourselves as invincible and lose the peace that comes when we embrace an attitude of humility.  We can ignore the truth that when we lay our heads down to rest tonight, we may not see all of our loved ones the following morning.  Life is not guaranteed.  It is to be cherished. 

I’d like to be able to declare here in print that I will never go back to my old ways of living life, but I am human so I’m sure I will fall back into the routine at some point.  But, I have these gifts right now and I pray they will stay as reminders that all of those little things that we tend to allow too much importance in life, really just do not matter. (You know the little things…the arguments about money, the guy on the road that’s more focused on his cell phone than his turn signal that he neglected to use, the laundry that didn’t get done, or the extra 15 pounds that you’ve managed to put on this summer.  Those things.) Instead, take the time to listen to what God is telling you.  He loves you.  He wants the best for you.  He doesn’t want you to be in pain or suffering.  He wants you to lean on Him.  Trust Him.  Let Him show you how good things can be if you just let go of your selfish focus.   Give Him your heart first…and He will bless you far beyond what you could ask for. 

I guess it all comes down to this…

Life is too short to miss out on what God is trying to show you.  LOOK for it.